Revelations
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Revelations
We all have them at different times and for different reasons. I remember some key ones from my youth. Nothing scarring like finding out where the hot spots on the stove top are, but funny none the less…..

Some of my biggest moments of learning surrounded items in the bathroom. Yes if you put the end of the toilet paper roll in the water before you flush it will pull it off the roll, my mother was not half amused as I was. The shower curtain has to be in the tub for it to be effective. Once again my mother was not amused.

I was a big bee catcher in my younger years. I could not get enough of it. Mostly honey bees as they seemed to be omnipresent on the Coast Guard base in Petaluma California. I would have my father poke holes in the lids of mason jars so I could trap them and keep them for closer viewing. Honey bees were easy due to the focus they gave to the work of gathering pollen. Bumble bees were a bit skittish so they were prized.

I caught a big fat bumble bee once….barely. See it was half in the jar and half out. I was perplexed because by 5 years of knowledge was sure that if I moved the lid he would get away. I went to find my friends to show off my catch and possible solicit some advice on how to get him the rest of the way in the jar. I vividly remember three friends standing around me looking at my prized catch. We all knew that bees bit hard and that as long as the head was in the jar we were safe……that is when little Susie suggested that she wanted to fell the fuzzy part of the Bumble bees tail, “It looks so soft.” The scream she let out triggered revelations in four children at the same moment……bees do not bite! Her mother was not amused. My father was though…..hmmmmm.

Another formidable time in my life was potty training. I remember wanting to please my mother and have no accidents. Being a very literal learner when my Mother had told me that I needed to pull my pants down before I went pee, that is what I did. All the way down to my ankles. It was not until my first day of kindergarten in the boys room did an older boy explain that I did not have to pull my pants to the ground to pee. I was and am eternally grateful to that boy. I told myself that I would have to pass that knowledge on if ever I got the chance. Well time moves on and I forgot the pledge I made to myself until I was walking into the movie theater restroom in Fairbanks Alaska. Being it a theater all of the stalls were full, all seven of them. That was not have as concerning as the man in the middle with his pants pulled all the way to the ground.

I was taken aback by the image. It is cute when you see a little guy just learning the ropes with his pants around his ankles but a fully grown, hair covered man is quite another thing. Needless to say I was not amused. I was compelled to relay the knowledge I received all those years ago but in a crowded theater rest room I could not bring my self to make eye contact with him, let alone speak to him.

The world is full of strange twists of fate and perhaps he is reading this right now. If you are he let me be the first to tell you about not pulling your pants all the way down……..

Men -vs- Women
Mood:  sharp
Topic: Men -vs- Women
Men –vs- Women

I believe we have all have the shared experience of walking into the wrong restroom. The shot of adrenaline that you receive is unmistakable. For men, the adrenaline is preceded by the thought, “Where are all of the urinals?” For women the thought is, “What are those funny looking things on the wall?”

When I was being put through the first couple of days of boot camp in Ft. Jackson, South Carolina I had this experience. It was a circular facility that had restrooms in the middle that stretched to the other side. Being circular caused a bend in the laws of physics. See on one side of the building the Men’s restroom door is on the left….. on the opposite side the Men’s restroom door is on the right. It is not a difficult concept until you add the following ingredients. I was a 17 year old Alaskan young man in South Carolina just three days after high school graduation. I was still suffering jet lag and sleeping in a bay with 40 other young men was not helping. And the final ingredient was that I had to pee so bad that I was twitching.

When we were finally released by the drill sergeant to use the restroom, I shot off the bench and walked directly into the Women’s restroom. Not just in the door but four or five steps in where I was spinning around asking myself, “Where are the urinals?” I guy I had only met that morning opened the door,” Berry this is the women’s room! Come on!” Then the adrenaline really hit. I jerked open the door to find it filled with drill sergeant. You must realize that this is a mountain of a man and he FILLED the door jam. The only thing getting past him was the sound of laughter from the other recruits. The adrenaline slipped away with my pride. “BERRY! Don’t you know the difference between men and women?” As I answered that I did I was fearful of his next statement. “Good! I have duty tonight so I want you to report to me every hour, on the hour, and explain the difference to me!”
My bladder was almost at the limits and the twitching was beyond my control now. The drill sergeant saw the urgency in my eye and he let me past him with sideways smile.

I was reminded of this moment as I was in Carrs / Safeway last week. I entered the Men’s room and a female Carrs / Safeway employee was at the sink. She must have noticed the adrenaline forming in my eyes but after I saw the urinal I knew I was in the right place this time. She looked at me and said,”Oh it is alright I am done now.” I thought she must have been cleaning so I got out of her way. As I looked around I was mortified by the scene.
I live close to this particular store and was aware that it had recently been remodeled. Within two years. The tile work was not a bad color scheme but the grout was less than desirable. The grout by the door was all an even color but next to the urinals it seemed to be discolored. Being a man I did not wonder what had caused this phenomenon, but the decision to use tile in the first place did puzzle. As I pondered it I began to wonder why every Men’s restroom was not just stainless steel with a fire hose in the corner. That way it could all be hosed down at the end of the day.

Having been remodeled so recently I wondered why they chose to stay with all of the touch facilities. Especially when it has so many signs telling employees to clean their hand prior to returning to the sandwich counter where they make your lunch…. I was also flummoxed by the fact that this restroom had no soap in the dispensers. So how were the employees washing their hands before returning to the counter where they make your lunch?

As I left this below average facility I was left wondering what the female Carrs / Safeway employee was doing in the Men’s restroom. Maybe she had come in looking for soap to wash her hands before returning to the counter where she would make your lunch.

Obligations
Mood:  cheeky
Topic: Obligations
Obligations

I have too many obligations in my life. I recognize that many of them come once you become a parent. Those obligations are blessings, on most days. Other obligations are society pushed. Examples? Sure I have plenty.

Matched socks are a big one. Why does society even care about socks? Especially when you have on long pants. You can not even see the socks. Why would anyone care that they match each other. In fact if it wasn’t for my wife I would actively fight this societal rule. As she points out with great with clarity, I have bigger issues to take care of in my immediate future.

My wife is a stickler for societal regulations. She would tell you that most of these rules are actually hygienic practices. She is a card carrying member of the hand washing club. The soap ends up drying her hands out so much they crack. It is obviously engrained in her deeply. Our children can not come out of the restroom with out her asking, “Did you wash your hands?” It is one of the motherly senses she possesses. The kids sometimes try to sneak in the restroom while she naps on the couch just to avoid the question. She must be internally wired to the flushing mechanism. I have witnessed her stop a complete snore just to ask my daughter if she washed. Motherly superpowers.

Men do not possess any super powers, in fact we lose many senses as we become father. Doctors have proven that many men lose hearing at the exact moment their wives give birth. They are still confused as to why it is a time sensitive loss. Apparently I was afflicted as well. Apparently I do not have the ability to hear a child cry from 10pm to 7am.

Another loss is the sense of smell between the hours of 7am and 10pm. It has something to do with the mixture of child excretions and diaper plastic. This has been scientifically proven. Obviously every creator of a public men’s restroom has ignored this science. If they would recognize it they could save a fortune on those changing stations. I have started using them to hold my carry on bags while I use the facilities. I am sure it is the only sanitary spot in the place. Virgin plastic, untouched by anything, let alone a diaper.

I was alerted to the fact that my children stopped using soap in the restroom at home. The announcement came from a change in the questions asked by super mom, “Did you wash your hands?.....With soap?”

You may be asking what type of support I offer in the battle of superpowers. Mom –vs- children. Honestly I must report, I don’t know what the big issue is? Very rarely do I wash my hands after I use the rest room. Especially the urinal. Many of you are repulsed by that thought and I understand where you stand on the issue, at least let me explain why.
“Doug did you wash your hands?”
“No.”
“Why would you not wash your hands?”
“Simple, I didn’t pee on my hands. It is a simple act that I seem to have mastered over the years. Do the math with me here. 5 times a day x 7 days week x 4 weeks in a month x 12 months in a year x 37 years = 62160 times……. I think I got this one mastered.”

What goes unsaid is, “Trust me after I bathe that is the cleanest part of my body. Heck I should wash my hands before I use the urinal.”

I have seen too many TV reports detailing the germs that cover, infest, permeate every surface you come in contact with everyday. If you really thinks about it you will drive yourself crazy making you constantly wash your hands just to have a false sense of clean. A person could wash so much the soap would crack your hands……. Excuse me I need to talk to my wife for a moment.

Design Flaws
Mood:  lucky
Topic: Design Flaws
Design Flaws


An hour glass is a fine example of a design flaw. All of the sand has the same pull of gravity weighing upon it but only so many sands are allowed to pass at any one time. You know you could fix this flaw by widening the hole. How simple is that.

You see this in many avenues in the business world. Some of them baffle me. Fred Meyers has more check stands then you can shake a fist. Still they decide to employ the strange math of only opening 3 less then they actually need at any time. This angers me greatly while I stand in line and watch Fred Meyer employees wonder around the store. Not a determined walk, like they are rushing to help another customer. Slow meanders at best. They did do me a favor by opening the scan it your self aisles and in the beginning I was thankful because the general public was intimidated and I flew through every time. I was the first sand in the glass…..then it happened. The general public saw me cruising through and they also wanted to be the first sand.

Now I find myself aiding the general public at the scan it yourself aisle because I can not watch a person punch the wrong button over and over and over and over and over and over and over with out getting involved. I think they need to give all customers a simple computer aptitude test before allowing them in that aisle. It has gotten so bad that it is often faster to go to the warm blooded checker.

The other major design flaws are theaters. The Dimond Theater has 3 urinals and 3 stalls. Just as the sand glass principal has proven all men at the end of the movie have the same strain on their bladder but only a few at a time are allowed to relieve themselves. This is a direct relation to the size of the soda they sell at the refreshment stand. There is small, medium, large. However the medium is so big that it comes with a diving board. The large has a life preserver and small sail boat.
The theater employees do their best to fill up some of the space by filling it with ice before they apply the soda. But ice is not a solid and soon fills bladders. My bladder and I can not handle more than a small during a film.

The Dimond Theater restrooms are not as bad as some theaters. The hi light is that the floor is not sticky compared to the theater. They were skimpy on the urinals. They have three and need a multiple of three. Of the three 33% were designed for children under 3 feet tall. Microurinals. They did not have soap in the dispensers and the only hand towels are saw were in the urinals, just out of reach…..


Theater restrooms on the men side are a haven for over spray. It is from the back pressure built up from drinking a 55 gallon vat and having to wait your turn. We man have never been known for our aim, ask my wife. Now multiply that by 60 men an hour going through a theater restroom all doing the ‘I got to pee’ dance. It is no wonder the place is disgusting. Trust me that after a 2 ? hour movie and 4 gallons of Mt Dew it could be taped off with Bio Hazard tape and every man would leap over it. I did see something interesting in the theater just last week, it was warning cones side by side. They were English on one side and Spanish on the other. Did you know that ‘wet floor’ in Spanish is Piso Majeto………yeah it made me smile also.

Geometry
Mood:  energetic
Topic: Geometry
Geometry

I want to be a teacher to all who read this article. I will, with out a doubt teach you all how to pick men out of a crowd who have never camped or played golf. Yes it can be done with an easy test. If you are a golfer / camper you need not read any further.

Men love to play golf for the same reason they love to go camping. It gives them a chance to pee in the woods. Not deep in the forest though. Most of us are not that adventurous and none of us are that modest. If we are golfing with friends we will step just inside the rough to relieve ourselves. If we are golfing with strangers we will take at least three steps into the rough. Since you never go camping with strangers the rule is to not pee in or on the tent, all other ground is open targets. You actually can get extra cool points if you pee into the fire. If you can put the fire out you have created a life long legacy.

When you visualize this understand that we do show some modesty and turn our back to our friends or strangers but they have full knowledge and great view of the activity. This starts your understanding of the factions that exist in life. It is a small percentage of people who ever go camping. And smaller still will ever go to the driving range let alone play 18 holes. This leave the vast majority of men who would never consider peeing in view of friends or strangers. This group feels uncomfortable using a urinal that does not have partitions between them. These are the people who usually design public restrooms.

These are the people who actually think this through when you lay out the plans. It is probably easily figured out with a simple straight line ruler. If you are at work right now designing restrooms, put one edge of the ruler where the door will be. Then see if you have a straight line to any urinal or stall. No? Good job you have mastered the art of simple geometry.

Now if you did have a straight line to a urinal or a stall I will go out on a limb and predict that you design restrooms for WalMart?. Over all the experience of using the restrooms at WalMart? is disturbing. I have yet to be in one that has any soap in the dispensers. I am beginning to think they are only on static display. They do make a business plan around saving money and just imagine the cost savings of no soap multiplied over all of the stores they operate. It must rake in a couple of bucks per share holder.

The first thing that disturbs you about the restroom is that when you open the door you have a direct line of sight to the urinals. If you are lucky you get to see the back of a nervous fidgeting non golfer using the facilities. They are the ones who are glancing back continually. They are torn between two worlds. They drastically need to reduce the size of their bladder but feel like the world is watching them. If they end up with stage fright it could lead to therapy. I think I could lead that therapy session with one group meeting, “Gentlemen today we are going camping on the golf course.”

Heated Seats
Mood:  on fire
Topic: Heated Seats
Heated Seats


You know what I wonder? I wonder how and why ladies restrooms would have heated seats. This was a topic of discussion of friends recently and it has conjured up many images. Images that will, hopefully humor you as much as they have tickled me.

A friend of the family reported that the restroom at Orso’s got stellar reviews. She reported it was clean but the seller was that it had heated seats. I was shocked at this news.

Heated seats. Where is the equality in this situation? I admit I am not as well traveled as some but I have been to several other countries and on last count 30 of the United States and trust me, nowhere has heated seats in the guys room. As I think this through I must admit that I have encountered a heated seat along my trails. I have blocked it from memory because I found it revolting at the time and I still do. See the seat was warm and inviting until I realized that it was heated by the occupant prior to me! Think that through for a moment. How long do you have to be on that seat to really heat it for the next person? I tell you I am not heating it for anyone. I’m in, I go, and I’m gone.

As we continued the conversation I was unnerved by the news that Orso’s was not the only place offering this perk. I have asked around and found that some ladies rooms actually have couches. That at least answers why they would call it a rest room. However it is not my room of choice when I just wan to relax after a long day at work. I can just hear that call, “No honey, I had a really hard day, I am going to stop by the rest room at Orso’s and relax for a while before I head home.”

So ladies I need to warn you all. Are you really happy to have heated seats? After all how are they heating them? Do they employee someone who ensures the seats are ‘heated’ and flees upon your arrival to the rest room. Ask yourself does someone always walk out as I walk in? Okay let’s say it is not a ‘personal’ service that is being provided for you. The alternative is none the less troublesome; electricity.

I also don’t claim to be the most educated person in any bunch but didn’t Ben Franklin prove that electricity and water should not mix? I pity the person who would have to write the obituary for the person who should parish that way. The puns would be too easy. Think of the family and friends left at the table and how it would ruin their evening.
My votes are for cooled seats with air freshners built in.

Have you cruised the toilet seat aisle in home depot before? Try it out, it is a hoot. They have them all covered. Heated, cushioned, form fitted, Disney? characters, sea shells, and holiday themes. Cabella’s? can even set you up with a camo throne….just ask my father in law. What is really scary is that he does not use it in his out house.

Topic: Test
Test

Mood:  on fire
Phobias

Why the urinal journal? A good question; one that deserves to be answered. It started out as a restroom map of the city for the men with prostrate problems or just the people afflicted with small bladders. It then turned into a critique of rest rooms; much like a restaurant critic. It then was kicked around my in-laws’ dinner table and it changed again to just a fun look at the restrooms of the city, spiced up with family stories.

It will still serve as a type of a critic’s map of the city. So with that in mind, sit down, buckle up and get ready for the fun!

When I had this idea something remarkable happened, my blinders fell away and I desperately want them back. I used to walk into a bathroom with one of two purposes in mind and blank out all other areas. I realize now it was a self preservation tactic to help me cope with the horrors that are…….PUBLIC RESTROOMS!

Now that I notice more of my surroundings I am shocked and saddened by what we put up with as customers. Sure we are not paying for this service but I have family members that will not frequent Round Table Pizza because of their restrooms. To be fair to Round Table I have not seen the restrooms first hand but with her story I am leery about entering them at all.

I did however go into the restroom at Sicily’s Pizza last weekend. It was, in a word, wrong. It was obviously not a priority for the owners as I am sure it has not been cleaned since the opening of the restaurant. The pizza buffet was painfully void of pizza so I am unsure if the owners have any priorities. When I reported the disgrace to my wife she informed me that on her last visit she told an employee the restrooms needed attention and received a glare for her efforts. Maybe glaring is the priority here. They seemed to excel at it.

The urinals were the old style flush system. The kind you have to actually touch. I am sure we have evolved beyond touching the urinal. I have personally used my shoe to flush toilets before but I am not flexible enough to do that with urinals. I am considering Yoga.

These urinals had several paper towels in the bottom that were threatening to overflow the system. It would befuddle me how or why paper towels ended up in urinals or toilets. My sister cleared it up for me one day. She has a phobia about touching the toilets and uses paper towels then tosses them in the commode when done. Well at least that is how is started. This next part will require you to visualize with me.

Start by picturing in your mind’s eye your version of the most disgusting person you can imagine…….good. For the purpose of this exercise that person is who used the toilet before you. Now entering the facilities is also a trick. The trick is to not touch anything with your skin. The doors are usually not locked or require a handle so you just back into it or use your shoe to push it open. The stall door should be open but on the way in you grab a handful of paper towels. You need the first one to close and latch the stall door. Check. You then remove the tried and true toilet cover from the dispenser, where available. If not you will not make contact with the seat for this operation. The second paper towel is used to flush the toilet, if it requires a touch. The third is used to open the stall door again and then is tossed in the toilet that hopefully has not drained yet. You then wash your hands better than a surgeon prepping for open heart. The fourth is used on the towel dispenser handle to get more towels to dry with. The fifth is used to open the door. My sister goes through this for every public facility visit. I should invest in a paper towel company.

My wife and daughter were actually stuck in a stall once and had to come in contact with the floor. They had to shimmy under the door to escape with their lives. My wife was horrified by the experience but my laughing about it seemed to smooth it over.

I am sure my sister is not the only one who is afflicted with this phobia. I used to chide her about it but after my visit to Sicily’s I was helping myself to reams of paper towels as well. My thought was that if I was not going to get my share of pizza at the all you can eat pizza buffet I was darn sure going to get my share of the all you can use paper towel dispenser.

Remember you don’t have to use public restrooms; Depends are a valid option.

Ideas
Mood:  mischievious
Topic: Rejection
Today is a day of different directions. I had never heard of blogging until today. Friends defined it for me and my son pointed me in the right direction.

I was recently rejected by the Anchorage Daily news. I have, what I believe, is a fantastic article idea. It is a humorous look at public restrooms in Alaska.

The editor Mike Sexton said he liked it but the ADN would pass for now.....too bad for them and great for the rest of the reading world.

I look forward to letting you all peek into my mind. Lord knows it has room to spare. :)

Look for weekly updates that will hopefully make you smile each time.